Embracing Loneliness
Written By: Heather Rolland, LCSW and Dr. Beata Lewis, MD
In 2022, the American Medical Association formally recognized loneliness as a public health issue. A year earlier, the Centers for Disease Control also identified loneliness as a health concern, linking loneliness with an increased risk of developing dementia, heart disease, and premature death.
That sounds pretty scary, and some of the demographic statistics are alarming – survey data show people of all ages and across a wide range of demographic categories report feeling lonely at least some of the time. It’s worrisome to consider such a common emotion so detrimental to health and well-being.
The emotional experience of loneliness is an aching, longing, or yearning for a sense of connection that is painfully absent. Loneliness can be an aspect of grief, and occur in the aftermath of loss. For many people, the pandemic triggered a sense of loss, not only of absent loved ones, but also loss of ourselves, our familiar routines, perhaps our identity as a particular type of person. Losses like these can leave us feeling confused, bereft, and lonely. But loneliness can also arrive unbidden, without a precipitating loss; no event, no story may explain the deep ache, that sense of longing for a type of connection that is hard to articulate and harder still to fulfill.
A person can experience this emotion without literal aloneness – feeling lonely in a crowd is common enough to be a cliche. And we all know people who relish and revel in time alone, even extended time alone, without becoming lonely. A sense of a missed opportunity, a specific desire that is unfulfilled, can lead to loneliness. We crave a certain flavor of connection with another and when that connection is elusive, loneliness may result.
But for our purposes here, the why and the origin story of our loneliness is less important than the current experience of it. What we do about loneliness is a question that can take us in two very different directions. One is to define it as a problem and then try to get rid of it; the other is to embrace it.
To exorcise loneliness, most professionals suggest taking action: do something. What you choose to do may be less important than simply taking that first step in any direction. Overcoming the inertia of loneliness by taking action can help shake the anxiety and reticence that often accompanies social isolation. Subsequent steps can act as course corrections – if yoga was not the right way to connect with people, maybe a memoir writing class will be. Not a fan of quilting or needlepoint? See what else the local craft store is offering, or try pickleball or jiu jitsu.
Consider taking a course in a subject you are genuinely interested in. Foreign language, art, exercise… the purpose is to ensure that whether or not you ease that sense of loneliness, you come away with valued new knowledge or a new skill.
Audiobooks can be an enriching distraction from loneliness.
If you feel ready to interact more directly with people, consider a club: chess, a book club, or some other hobby-based club that meets regularly.
A self-help group, 12 step or not, may be helpful, and many such groups are not necessarily about substance abuse (Emotions Anonymous or Debtors Anonymous are examples).
Religion may also offer a way to connect with people and many faith-based groups welcome people who are not born into that practice.
If you want to do something but you’re just not sure what, ask yourself what you would have loved to do when you were 7 years old. Check in with your childhood self and try to remember what sparked your joy back then. Chances are good that even if you no longer have a childlike enthusiasm for that activity, it will still put a smile on your face.
These efforts to take action against loneliness are aimed at symptomatic relief, and anyone who has ever had a wicked headache knows symptomatic relief can be wonderful. Respite in and of itself is valuable, even if it doesn’t address root causes. We all deserve a break from feeling unpleasant or unwanted sensations.
But paradoxically, turning inward and “leaning in” to loneliness may also be helpful. Sometimes, the most effective and healing approach to handle any emotion is quite simply to feel it. Instead of trying to eliminate or chase it away, embracing loneliness may provide ease and comfort, even solace. A familiar model for this sort of acceptance is exemplified in Winnie The Pooh, as the group of animals accept Eeyore as he is, and welcome him, despite his bleak outlook on life. They don’t demand pleasantness as a prerequisite to spending time together, and they don’t work hard at cheering him up. Allowing an emotion like loneliness to show up and hang out for a while can, oddly enough, give that emotion space and time to morph into something different. Sometimes it simply runs its course and departs, leaving us ready to receive the next emotion.
If grief is feeding your loneliness, diving into the arts may help express that grief and thus unlock the loneliness. Journaling, painting, poetry or pottery, you may find that time spent with art supplies is an effective way to experience and release these feelings. What you do with your creations can be part of the process – whether that is displaying a pot or smashing it.
Writing in a journal may take you deeper into articulating and understanding your loneliness; writing a letter to a person, or perhaps even to a past or future version of yourself might unlock deeper feelings to explore. A frequently suggested therapy exercise involves writing such a letter, sharing it with your therapist or a trusted friend or family member, then destroying it in whatever way feels best (burning, shredding, etc.).
Embracing literal aloneness may be another aspect of leaning into loneliness. Reading or jigsaw puzzles can be solo activities that take you into a quiet and meditative solo space.
Being outdoors alone can be a profound experience. Being outside is enough; it’s not necessary to travel to a remote or wilderness area to reap the benefits that walking, running, or just sitting on a bench can offer.
Meditation or other spiritual activities such as pranayama (yogic breathing) can also take you deeper into your quiet center where you can safely embrace your loneliness.
A final thought: embracing sad feelings can be concerning for people who already struggle with chronic low moods. The approaches outlined herein are best for managing transient, episodic loneliness. If the idea of embracing these feelings makes you curious or nervous, raise the topic in your therapy sessions. If you don’t already have a therapist, consider seeking one out. A supportive professional to help you navigate emotions like loneliness or grief can make the process feel safer and easier to tolerate. Knowing you are not alone while you explore difficult feelings can make a big difference.
Integrative Mind is a psychiatry practice in New York City that offers virtual in-network psychiatry and psychotherapy sessions for adolescents and adults. Our team is comprised of psychiatric clinicians and psychotherapists that specialize in treating a wide range of mental health conditions. To discuss your issues of loneliness, grief, or any other emotions, please email us at contact@integrativemind.com or complete a Booking Assessment HERE.
