Mindful Habit Transformation
Written By: Heather Rolland, LCSW and Dr. Beata Lewis, MD
Much of what we do is governed by habit. We may bemoan our bad habits and read self-help articles on building good habits, but putting knowledge into practice can be challenging. We might stand back in awe (or irritation!) of that friend who seems to have developed great habits effortlessly, but for most of us changing habits – either extinguishing unwanted ones or developing desired ones – is a bumpy road filled with both triumphs and setbacks. Chipping away at unwanted habits of thought, emotion, and behavior takes consistent work and a metric ton of patience. Same goes for building good habits – it takes time and effort, and the process can be frustrating. While you might have a gut sense that all the work is worth it and really does pay off, it can be hard to maintain your efforts and stay reasonably focused and positive. Read on – perhaps some of these tips and ideas may help.
Think about a habit you’d like to break. Maybe you get sucked into scrolling mindlessly when you want to look up one simple thing (guilty!) or eat more tortilla chips than you’d prefer while watching television. Somewhere in there is a “should” – a thought that “I should do X but instead I’m doing Y.” Shoulds tend to give rise to resentment or even outright revolt. It can feel transgressive and kind of delightful to be “bad” or “naughty” and tell yourself you deserve it. And that way of thinking might harpoon your efforts to break your bad habit.
Instead of “shoulding” yourself, try asking yourself “what do I really want to do (or eat) right now?” No judgement, just try to be honest with yourself. Ten minutes of Candy Crush or ten pieces of chocolate candy might be exactly what we want. Sometimes, this is enough: to assess and admit that the “bad habit” is actually a desired self-care activity. Admitting this and accepting it may, in some cases, be helpful. By taking the “naughty” wind out of your sails, you may find enough energy to make a different choice, or it might help the habit you’re trying to break feel a little bit less alluring.
Sometimes we do need to address a habitual behavior or thought pattern beyond just accepting that it’s what we want in the moment. For these deeper dives into habit management, search the net for “cravings and urges.” Folks working in the addiction and recovery community know a lot about changing habits, and there are excellent online resources available.
Here’s a sampling of techniques to try:
Interrupt! Choose an interruption that works well for you: snapping a rubberband against your wrist, or getting up and walking around your room or office. Move your body; your brain may follow.
Delay! Don’t engage in the habit, but don’t tell yourself you can never do this again. Just tell yourself “not now.” Set a timer for 15 minutes and tell yourself you can reconsider engaging in this behavior or thought then. You don’t have to make a commitment to an open-ended or long-term goal. Just delay, and reconsider at some point in the future. Then, when your timer is up, you can congratulate yourself on your 15 minutes of great work and choose whether or not to engage in the thought pattern or behavior.
Use creative visualization. One of my favorites for unwanted thoughts is to picture an old fashioned telephone switchboard – the kind with the hefty plugs that operators would push into holes to connect calls. I picture unplugging thoughts as if I am pulling one of those connecting plugs out of the switchboard. This works well for me because then I can picture making a connection with a desirable thought or behavior. I picture pulling the plug on a habit that no longer serves me, and connecting with a new habit that supports my goals. Picture disconnecting and reconnecting any way that works for you; I’d love to know what your images are.
Be here now. When you catch yourself indulging in the habit you’ve decided you want to change, take a sensory moment for yourself. Use all 5 senses, and just tune in to your present place and time for as long as you can. Listen and note what you hear. Look around, or look out a window. Got a scented candle or soap with a strong fragrance? Give it a sniff. Touch something – extra points if it’s an interesting texture (think stroking a pet, touching velvet or metal, or dragging your fingernails gently up and down your arm). Put an ice cube in your mouth (it’s a double: taste and touch!). This is a specific way to use interruption (the first bullet point) and it can be very helpful for anxious, worried habits of thought.
Resist engaging in the unwanted behavior or thought pattern. Remember, the more more you do this, the more you deny it oxygen and eventually starve it. This is referred to as extinction, and in this case extinction is a good thing! Cravings, or habits, are hardest to resist at first but the more you white knuckle it through and make it to the other side, the more you weaken the craving or habit. This is where patience and consistency come into play. It can take time and be really challenging, but so worth it.
Aim low. Many years ago, under incredibly stressful conditions, I created the following mantra for myself: “don’t try to go to the bank and the post office on the same day.” Do one thing, then go home and rest. Perhaps this sounds ridiculous, but overloading your schedule, to do list, or expectations of yourself is a recipe for feeling burdened, resentful or simply scattered and chaotic. Aim low, live with success for days or weeks and then add one item at a time. To build new habits that will stick, it’s important to build upon a secure foundation. Overloading yourself too soon in the process can lead to giving up.
Take care of your physical and emotional self. Speaking of stress, acknowledge that physical illness, lack of sleep, and emotional stress all deplete our energy reserves. Along with aiming low and not overloading yourself, acknowledge if you’re running on empty and scale back your goal accordingly.
Be curious. If you had one good day and then succumbed to backsliding, get curious about what went right. When the stars lined up and you were able to get to the gym, or sit down at your desk and balance your checkbook, or cook and eat more than one healthy meal in a week, ask yourself what went right. Usually it’s a combination of factors that combine to enable success – and some of them may even be under your control.
Show yourself some grace. Forget about those clickbaity articles that insist repeating a behavior a certain number of days in a row will automatically make it a habit. There is no magic number and life tends to get in the way of almost all our best intentions. There are lots of technological ways to remind yourself to make the time every day to engage in your desired behavior – apps, reminders, notifications, and timers – so use whatever works best for you. And don’t beat yourself up, bum out, or dwell on it when you backslide, miss a workout, or fall back into old and unwanted patterns. Just ignore the hiccup and continue as if you’d been consistent. The important thing is to keep going.
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